I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Randomize
