Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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