its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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