I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
