He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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