I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
