No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
