i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Is it because I queefed?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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