Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
