Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
