rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
