We won't sleep together?
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
