Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
