I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
