phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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