She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
