Someone shit on the floor
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
