On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
