I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
