we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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