matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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