I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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