guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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