the condom got lost in my hair
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
