I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
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