Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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