Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
