Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
