I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
