Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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