girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
