Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
