it's too hot outside to masturbate.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
