Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I smell like Dick and happiness
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
