I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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