dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
