i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
