I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
