just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Randomize
