Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
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You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
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Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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