theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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