genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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