Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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