I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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