You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I think I just sharted jello shots
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