I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
