I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
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She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
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I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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