Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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