I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
