Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
