We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
