I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Sorry about my life...
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
