her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
