woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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