I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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