Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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