God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
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