dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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