i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
