six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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