oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Randomize
